Not Even Vampires
by mynamemattersnot
Summary: When Edward gets sick, the Cullens must turn to the famous Gregory House and in the process of trying to figure out what's wrong with Edward, House finds out Edward is a really strange vampire and the Cullens figure out that House is a bigger jerk than they thought.
1. You're a Vampire?

**Chapter 1: You're a Vampire?:**

 **Author's Note: This will be more of a humor and make fun of story rather than a** **serious one. The idea was given to me by dark wolf of death. I don't own Twilight or House.**

It was just another day at the Cullen house. The Cullens were doing whatever they Cullens do in their free time when Edward suddenly collapsed on the floor.

"Carlisle, is there- something wrong with Edward?" Bella asked worried.

"I don't know, but he has a fever." Carlisle said quite surprised.

"I thought it was impossible for vampires to get sick."

"It should be, but I suppose it isn't. I heard of someone who is a really good doctor. I suppose we could bring Edward to that doctor to make sure he's okay."

 **(House MD. Twilight)**

House unwilling did his clinic duty which seemed to be filled with especially stupid people today. He was especially annoyed when somebody made a special request for him and he hoped to himself it wasn't someone as stupid as the other people.

He walked in the clinic and he noticed the patient and his family were all pale white and had really strange eye colors. The little girl there had red eyes. House figured that they were albino or something. The patient himself was half awake.

House faked a smile, "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well my son passed out on the floor for no reason and I figured out he had a fever." Carlisle said.

"So he has the flu?"

"No, we're vampires we don't get flus."

"Yeh sure and you just happened to get here when it is full daylight outside very believable."

"We're not like the vampires on television, but we can still not be seen in sunlight because it's noticeable that we're different."

"I can't believe I'm wasting my time but I want to see you outside real fast. I promise I won't tell anyone your secret along the way."

"If it will make you believe me, then let's go outside."

Carlisle and him went outside and House looked like he was about to fall on the floor laughing when he saw Carlisle sparkling in the sun. He took Carlisle inside before anyone else could see him.

"You say you're a vampire but you look more like a rainbow diamond freak."

"Do you believe me now?"

"Sure I believe you're different but I don't believe vampires are supposed to look like pretty pretty princesses. And where is your sharp scary fangs or your dark scary clothing. Your supposed to be scary but not even a two year old would be scared of you."

"Can you just help my son?"

"I still say he has the flu. You should try giving him day quil. Wait, won't that make him burn up?"

"Be serious! Edward is sick."

"Really? Maybe he is worthy of being called a vampire."

"No I mean he has an illness!"

"Oh, that's less fun."

"Just help my son, please."

"Fine, but you better not turn me into a sparkly demon."

 **Author's Note: Was it in any way funny or cool. I would like to know.**


	2. House vs Bella

**Chapter 2:** **House vs Bella:**

 **Author's Note: I thought this bit between House and Bella would be hilarious so here it is. I** **own nothing.**

House listened bored as Carlisle revealed a lot of information about Edward. He thought it would be interesting since Edward was a vampire, but instead it was very boring. It did make him curious though as to why Bella was dating him so he couldn't resist the thought of toying with Bella. He found Bella and Renesmee in Edward's room watching over him.

"How old are you?" House asked.

"What?" Bella asked.

"How old are you?"

"Eighteen."

"He's over one hundred years old and you're eighteen. Don't you know how disgusting that is?"

"It's not disgusting. I -love him."

"Why did you speak with a weird long pause?"

"What do you- mean?"

"That's what I- mean."

"Why did you- come in here?"

"I asked you a question first, but if you really should know, then I don't think you should be married to Edward."

"Why do you say that?"

"How can you date someone like him? He's a bigger jerk than I am. I wouldn't even just leave my girlfriend on impulse."

"Yeh, but he only left me to protect me!"

"If he wanted to protect you, he wouldn't have broke your heart!"

"He didn't break my heart!"

"How could you say that when you mopped around for months after he left you?"

"You're a jerk!" Bella yelled before storming off.

"You know I'm right you know!" House shouted as Bella walked away angrily.

She stopped at the door, "Wait, how did you know all that?"

"Carlisle told me."

"Look I don't care what you think. I love Edward."

"Whatever you say." House said beginning to walk out of the room amnoyed, "and close your mouth before a fly flies in it or something."

 **Author's Note: So was it amazing? Tell me please!**


	3. Jacob is Home

**Chapter 3: Jacob is Home:**

 **Author's Note: I spent some time criticizing the vampires now it's the werewolf's turn. I don't own House or Twilight so please don't sue me.**

House knew that Jacob came into the hospital and just knew he had to somehow tell Jacob just how disgusting he thought he was. Yet, he didn't feel like getting up so he decided to try and use his team instead.

"Chase go tell the werewolf Jacob that he's a pedophile." House ordered.

"Why would I tell him he's a pedophile?" Chase asked.

"Because he imprinted on a baby."

"Imprinted?" Cameron asked.

"Basically he fell in love with the baby and of course without the baby's permission because babies can't give permission, he pledged himself to the baby and permanently linked himself to it."

Cameron made a slightly disgusted face.

"Yeh, I know gross. So will you tell him he's a pedophile?"

"Go tell him yourself." Chase said.

"Fine, if I die because a big giant dog rips out my throat it's all of your faults."

House approached Jacob who was with Renesmee. Renesmee seemed indifferent that he was there.

"Do you want something?" Jacob asked.

"Yep, just wanted to tell you that you are a pedophile."

"Why are you. Calling. Me. A. Pedophile?" Jacob asked angrily.

"You imprinted on a baby! If that's not pedophilia, then I don't know what is."

"I was protecting her."

"You didn't have to imprint on her to protect her. You're a werewolf for crying out loud!"

"Back off!" Jacob yelled.

"Dude please calm down. I don't want you to wolf out on me."

"Then leave me alone."

"Fine. I'll go back to my office but if you're planning on killing me I have to warn you that I have plenty of silver bullets."

"What are you talking about?"

"Dude, are you even a real werewolf? Haven't you at least heard stories of werewolves being killed only by silver bullets?"

"No."

House sighed, "Of course not. You should get out of here though. I want to talk to Edward. Take your girlfriend too."

Jacob glared at him but left the room with Renesmee. Edward was pretending to be asleep.

"Stop pretending to be asleep. There's no one around but me." House said.

Edward opened his eyes, "Maybe you should have been nicer to Jacob."

"Sorry not me. You got to go somewhere else to find niceness. Maybe you should try my duckling Cameron. She's just drowning with niceness."

"What are you here for?"

"Mostly to criticize you for having been a bad boyfriend."

"Yeh, I know."

"Wait, you aren't going to argue and get mad at me."

"I could, but I know I'd be wasting my time with you. I could read your mind and I know that whatever I say, you will be a jerk anyways."

"What did you come out of a comic book?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Why do you have super powers?"

"A lot of vampires have super powers. I'm not the only one."

"That's just wierd."

"For you."

"No, I'm sure it's wierd for more people that just me. Now I've got a question for you. Why did you wait for Bella to almost die to turn her into a vampire?"

"I didn't want her to be a monster."

"Oh please. You guys are hardly monsters. You don't even drink human blood anymore. You knew she would be that way too."

"There was no way of knowing that!"

"Whatever you- oh brother."

Edward "passed out" and House looked annoyed. He was beginning to suspect that Edward was faking.

 **Author's Note: So fun?**


	4. The Vampire's Lair

**Chapter 4: The Vampire's Lair:**

 **Author's Note: This story is now going to take a whole new turn. I hope it's enjoyable for you! I** **don't own Twilight or House.**

House knew he had to do whatever he could to stop Edward from faking and he decided the best way to do that was to prove it. So he convinced Carlisle to allow him to look around his house. The house wasn't anything like how House expected. He expected a creepy dark house full of cobwebs, spiders, and coffins. It didn't look like somewhere a vampire would live.

House made a note to himself to make fun of the vampires for their absolute patheticness later. He went into Edward's room and happened to find a journal lying on the floor. He picked it up and flipped through it. He noticed how some of the writing was very dark and forced. House found his proof that Edward was faking, but just as he was about to leave he ran into a red eyed vampire. He would have laughed at how the vampire sparkled as the sunlight hit him through the windows, if he hadn't known that red eyed vampires actually drank human blood.

"Hello, I assume you're Dr. House. I'm Aro." Aro said.

"I hope you're not here to eat me because I don't taste that good." House said.

"You're far too... interesting to feed off of. I want to make you one of us."

"You want to make me into a sparkling demon that isn't even that sca-"

"Yes," Aro interrupted, "Think about it. You won't have to live in pain anymore and you can get rid of anyone you like by having them as a snack."

House thought about it carefully, but he wasn't too sure trusting this guy was a good idea, but for some reason this guy seemed a lot cooler than the other vampires. It would probably be fun to join his little clan and plus he could make his whole team afraid of him. It was worth a chance.

"Okay," House said.

Aro bit him and House felt a pain like he never felt before. He bit his lip to prevent himself from crying out. He thought that once he was a vampire he would feel thrist for human blood but he felt nothing. Yet, he noticed that every detail seemed to stick out to him and whatever he looked at he knew much more about. It was strange. Perhaps this was his so called superpower. The ability to get information by simply looking at something.

House looked at Aro and now he was no longer afraid to laugh, so he did. Aro smiled malevolently.

"It seems you're transformation went well." Aro commented.

"I can know more about objects by looking at them and I don't feel pain anymore." House stated happily.

"Do you like it?" Aro asked.

"Yes."

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

Aro looked a bit surprised, "Perhaps you can resist the urge for human blood as well. Let's have a test of that then. You go back to your hospital and announce your knowledge that Edward is faking. If you don't slaughter everyone, then we'll know whether you can resist your urges.

House didn't need any more convincing. He ran with unbelievable speed back to the hospital. It had taken him a few days to get to Washington, but it took him less time getting back to the hospital when he ran. It was incredible.

Even when around people, House didn't feel hungry at all. House smiled to himself. He went straight to Edward's room where the Cullen's were visiting. It was a perfect time to reveal Edward was faking.

He walked into the room and held up Edward's journal, "I know you're faking."

"Are you a vampire now?!" Alice asked surprised.

"That question doesn't matter right now. What matters right now is that Edward was faking the whole time."

"Edward, why were you faking an illness?" Carlisle asked.

Before Edward can answer House answered, "Clearly it was for attention. I'll leave you alone because clearly you guys have a lot to talk about and I need to find Aro. And yes I am a vampire now."

The Cullens looked at House shocked and he walked away and found Aro outside and smiled. He was sure being a vampire would be fun.

 **Author's Note: Did you like it? Review please.**


	5. The Volturi

**Chapter 5:** **The Volturi:**

 **Author's Note: This just may be the final chapter because I really** **feel like the story doesn't need to go any** **further and I'm really tired of writing it.**

House would have thought the Volturi were just as pathetic as the Cullens, but they weren't like that at all. When he saw them, they actually looked scary and just by looking at them he knew they killed a lot of people. Aro introduced him to Jane first, who was obviously the scariest out of all of them.

"Hello, new blood." Jane said with a tone of darkness.

"You actually seem like an actual vampire. You aren't anything like those sparkling, demon, pathetic freaks well maybe except you're sparkly and a demon." House said.

"Yeh, we're nothing like the Cullens."

Then, House looked at them and it seemed like they stood around too much. They didn't seem to do anything at all. They seemed too boring. Maybe there was ways they could improve themselves. Maybe there was something more they can do. Then House had some interesting ideas, but he couldn't help the urge to make fun of them first.

"Actually, maybe I'm wrong. What do you do except stand around here most of the time and wait around for something to happen? Don't you ever do anything with yourselves? Don't you ever get tired of standing and staring forward all day?"

Jane grited her teeth trying to resist the urge to put him in absolute pain.

"We do other stuff."

"Like play with your food? I think that's kind of stupid too. You're only ever scaring one person. Vampires should be a little more feared than that."

"We're not allowed to reveal our existence."

"You don't have to reveal your existence. You just let the victim go for a little while and laugh as they look crazy in front of all their friends and family. No one would even believe that they meet actual vampires. Come on, you haven't thought of that? You guys seriously have a lack of creativity."

"That's it new blo-" Jane began angrily.

"Jane, don't be so hasty, I like his ideas." Aro interrupted.

"Yeh, I do too." Caius agreed.

"I'm just saying to make people afraid of you. Show your fangs once in a while and see how many people you can scar for life. Maybe get more involved with killing when you feel like you stood around for too long. You can even try kidnapping. There's a lot more you can do with yourself."

Aro smiled. Jane rolled her eyes. Caius did nothing, but all of them were glad to have a new vampire with new ideas and House was glad to be a vampire and he was going to do everything in his power to not be a pathetic one. He was going to help the Volturi be feared. He felt a sense of excitement inside of him. Being a vampire was going to be fun.

 **Author's Note: The end. Did you like it?**


End file.
